


Poem of a Profane Love

by vogue91



Category: Mars - Souryo Fuyumi
Genre: F/M, Introspection, Love, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-20
Updated: 2018-03-20
Packaged: 2019-04-05 02:49:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14034510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: It’s been so little... yet I’m aware I’m not the same Rei Kashino, the one capable of hiding his scars all too well. She’s changed me, she’s lit up in me a vitality that I haven’t felt in a long time. That I haven’t felt since...





	Poem of a Profane Love

_[Hello. Can you hear me?_

_Am I getting through to you?_

_Hello. Is it late there?]_

It’s late. So late that I can’t even understand whether it’s night or if morning has come already. There’s only the noise of waves crushing violently on the shore, mixed with the familiar growl of the bike.

She invades my mind. I can’t help but thinking about her, I wish she was next to me right now, to hear the beats of my heart harmonizing with the billows. But she’s not, not anymore. She can’t hear me, nor she wants to.

Or perhaps, it’s me who doesn’t want to be heard. Aware I’ve made too many mistakes to hope she’ll still give me one of those beautiful smiles.

I pull the brakes on the bike, I take the helmet off and I breathe in, letting the salty air filling my lungs, opening my mind.

What we’re doing it’s a mistake. And what I’m doing... is hurting her more than necessary, and Kira doesn’t deserve it.

But I’ve got a shield against pain, making it slide over me. Or, at least, that’s what I’ve always thought.

But perhaps there’s no barrier that lovesickness can’t go through.

 

_[Kiss the rain, whenever you need me_

_Kiss the rain, whenever I’m gone too long_

_If your lips feels lonely and thirsty_

_Kiss the rain, and wait for the dawn]_

I miss her, as if I was lacking air itself. And I don’t know how could I explain to her that I can’t stand to see her spending her days inside that house, at the mercy of that man. I fear for her, and fear itself keeps me away. But I already know it’s going to be a brief absence from her life, I know she’s somewhere right now and I’m not close to her. A thought capable of killing any qualms in me.

It starts raining, but I don’t move. I don’t dislike rain, not when it’s able to wash the past clean, to melt it, to turn it into dust, as if it was flame and not water.

She needs me, as I need her. I see it in her eyes every morning in school, I see it in the tears she can’t cry anymore, how my absence hurts her, worse than the sharpest blade.

I lick my lips, dry from the bike ride, trying in vain to make them wet. And I realize there’s a flavour these lips are missing too bad. _Her_ flavour, sweet and sharp, the taste of kisses stolen from time and its barriers.

I put the helmet back on and I leave. I still haven’t exhausted my need for speed, tonight. I gaze into the horizon, that infinite point of sea becoming pink.

Now it’s morning. Another one.

But I won’t spend another one without her.

 

_[Hello. Do you miss me?_

_I heard you say you do_

_But not the way I’m missing you]_

It’s early, but the school gates are already open. I go in, sure that I would wait for Kira a while longer, instead as soon as I get closer I see her. She’s leaning against her locker, her eyes closed and her face tired.

I sigh and I go toward her, determined. When I’m a few feet away she opens her eyes, startled to see me.

“R-Rei, you’ve scared me.” she says, whispering. I smile, confident.

“Forgive me, Kira. I didn’t mean to.” I caress her face with the back of my hand, as if I’m incapable of adding anything else, but just want to relish her presence.

My behaviour makes her uncomfortable, I read a clear confusion on her face, but I keep quiet, waiting for once that she’s speak first.

“Rei, what does it mean?” she murmurs, moving away my hand harshly.

“It means I can’t... no, I don’t w _ant_ to be without you, Kira. All these days have been empty for me, and there’s just one plausible explanation. I miss you.” I tell her, almost impatient for having been forced, for once, to reveal what I felt. But I’m cornered, and I know she’s not gonna accept my coming back without an explanation.

I see her cheeks turning into an intense red, and her forehead wrinkling as if she was thinking hard about something.

“You’ve missed me, Rei Kashino? Did you?” she hisses, sarcastic as I’ve never heard her. “And yet it wasn’t an issue for you going out with that girl.” she lowers her eyes, as if she couldn’t bear the weight of her words. “I’ve missed _you_. In a way you can’t even imagine.”

I smile openly to her, I can’t even be bothered by her outburst, nor I feel the need to justify myself. I take her face in my hands, and after an initial shiver she lets me touch her. I close my eyes, savouring the moment and the pleasant feeling of her warm skin under my freezing cold hands. When I open them again, I see she’s giving me a little smile. But it’s enough.

 

_[Keep in mind we’re under the same sky_

_And the night’s as empty for me as for you]_

“Kira, I know you’re mad at me and I understand, but...” I try to say, and then the bell rings. She takes her books and closes the locker, too harshly.

“We’ll talk later, Rei. I’m getting out later today, I’m drawing a little bit.” she murmurs, then she runs away, her head low.

My smile grows wider. Talking is a step forward, as much as I know we’ve got things too hard to swallow to say to each other.

But I won’t care about any obstacle. I’ve always refused to admit it, but now it’s useless even to try it.

She’s _mine._

~

 

Classes seem to go on at a different rhythm today. Every single word of every single professor hurts like a stab in my chest. There’s still too much time in front of me, and I can’t take anymore fantasizing about what I should tell her.

I look outside the window. It’s still raining, but I still see it as a good sign. Rain, as gloom as it can apparently be, brings new things. Fresh, happy.

I smile again, thinking that right now she’s probably looking outside the window too. That we’re looking at the same raindrops, that we’re under the same sky. It’s a thought that has always managed to pick me up, for some weird reason. Not having touchable proof, but still knowing that we’re not that different, that right now we share the same restlessness.

Even though my little Kira is for sure capable of managing it better than me. I’ve imagined her often during these days, especially at night, when darkness brings with it the worst that hides behind her absence. And I saw her crying while looking at the stars, without being able to catch the real shine from them.

Not that my nights have been any better. I’m sure I can count on one hand the number of hours I’ve slept, and to testify to that the shadows marking my face.

It’s been so little... yet I’m aware I’m not the same Rei Kashino, the one capable of hiding his scars all too well. She’s changed me, she’s lit up in me a vitality that I haven’t felt in a long time. That I haven’t felt since...

No. I don’t want to think about Sei, not today.

Today, there’s only Kira.

 

_[I’m so close, but I feel like you’re so far_

_Oh wouldn’t mean anything_

_If you knew what I’m left imagining]_

I get slowly inside the class, going unnoticed. Inside, there’s just her and two other girls, intent in talking to each other more than drawing.

I go closer to Kira, who instead is focused on the canvas in front of her, brushing it accurately, with an indescribable tenderness.

I look at the picture, that looks almost done, and I’m breathless.

Normally I like what Kira paints, but often I’ve wondered if I’m really capable of understanding what she put on the canvass with so much passion, in those single  moments when she really looks happy, _whole_. And now, for the first time, I can understand the simple image, as if it was a reflection of her soul and of what she’s shared with me.

A girl, alone, sitting in a cornfield. In the grey sky something flying away, I think it’s a scarf, a veil.

The colours are gloom, they talk about her pain, but together they give a complete pan of what Kira’s feeling right now.

I appreciate her even more, she’s managed to turn that small drawing into something that speaks about her, and that perhaps bears with it something of me as well. Because she’s filled that immense gap between us with some touches with a brush, with some colour in the right place.

I almost lose myself looking at it, it doesn’t seem to have a clear horizon, as if it was open to the eternity of the future.

When she puts down the brush I put a hand on her shoulder, startling her. She turns, and can’t help but smiling.

“You’ve got to stop scaring me like this, Rei.” she says, low, then gives her focus back on the painting.

“What is it?” I ask, ignoring her. She raises an eyebrow, and I know she’s trying to establish whether my interest is sincere or just polite.

“It represents me, as of late.” is her cryptic answer. I smile.

“Loneliness?”

“Immensity.” she whispers, as not to break a spell.

“And what’s my part in it?” she shakes her head, as she usually does when she thinks I’m being arrogant.

“What do you think?” I lean in, getting my face close to hers and to the painting.

“I’m the black cloth in the sky.” I answer, sure, confident. She laughs, a sound I craved to hear, it’s crystal, healthy.

“You’re the corn, Rei. Blond, real… unpolished and infinite.” she tells me, with the usual shyness characterising her, but still without losing her smile. I rest my chin on her head and hug her shoulders.

“You’ve made me better than I deserve.” I murmur, feeling her sighing against me.

“This is how I see you. I’ve tried not to, but it’s useless, I can’t.” she replies, and I catch a vein of sadness in her voice.

 

_[‘Cause I’m trying to explain_

_Something’s wrong_

_You just don’t sound the same]_

We keep still for a long time, as if the contact between my skin and hers can alone voice all those untold emotions, all the apologies we have to make, which now seem almost useless, bared on that canvas, from that brush. From those hands I’ll never grow tired of holding, because I know they’re mine, just because they’re destined to be.

I take her chin in one hand and I kiss her, with a tenderness we both know doesn’t belong to me. But I’ve finally understood that I’ve got to be a little bit like her if I want to keep being by her side.

Or perhaps, we both should look a little more like ourselves.

It’s not a matter of sex or chastity anymore, nor pain or death, or tears and blood.

I want to keep my skeletons buried in my closet, but I know it will be impossible without having Kira hiding hers. And if we’re together, we can also defeat those ghosts staining our past.

Nothing of that matters right now, though. Now there’s just me, Kira and that painting, that like me is looking toward the future. A future where things are destined to fly away, black and painful, in a sky too grey to be bearer of happiness.

But a future where we’ll stay anchored to the earth, and I’ll keep wrapping myself around her, protecting her.

Weird how the smallest thing can explain the most mysterious things of the human mind.

Let’s start again, Kira. Let’s live together, let’s hold our secrets, far from the rest of the world, but let’s live. Like before, better than before. As we could be able of reading each other.

I look at her face, intoxicated by her warmth, intoxicated by her skin. There’s more confidence in her now than I’ve ever seen before.

Perhaps, she can truly read me.

And, I’m sure, she’ll teach me to do as much.


End file.
